By Kaela Judd | July 22, 2020 | Relationships and Mental Health

The Secret to a Great Marriage

“Communication is key.” That’s the typical advice couples hear when starting a relationship or getting married. But what happens when communication doesn’t come naturally? Are relationships doomed to fail? Absolutely not.

According to renowned marriage researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the foundation of a happy marriage isn’t just communication—it’s friendship. With over 40 years of combined experience studying couples, the Gottmans discovered that the happiest and most resilient marriages are built on a deep friendship.

Why Friendship Matters in Marriage

Couples who maintain a strong friendship know the small, intimate details about each other—their partner’s likes, dislikes, quirks, hopes, dreams, and even whether they’re a dog or cat person. They enjoy each other’s company and treat one another with respect.

This friendship acts as a buffer during stressful times, keeping the romantic connection alive through difficult conversations or disagreements. A concept central to this is called positive sentiment override, coined by psychologist Robert Weiss. It refers to the tendency to think positively about your partner—even when tensions arise.

What Does Positive Sentiment Override Look Like?

Let’s take Carrie and Greg as an example. Greg asks, “Where’s the dip?” and Carrie replies sharply, “In the fridge.” If their relationship is built on a foundation of friendship, Greg likely assumes her tone isn’t about him and lets it go. But if their relationship is strained, he might respond defensively with, “Well, you get it then!”

Positive sentiment override means giving your partner the benefit of the doubt—assuming good intentions and not taking things personally.

How to Strengthen Friendship in Your Marriage

Building and maintaining that friendship takes intentional effort. Here are a few proven strategies to help:

• Get to Know Your Partner Deeply: Learn your partner’s inner world—what they dream about, what stresses them, what lights them up. The Gottman Card Decks app is a free and fun tool that helps couples explore these areas through guided questions. Try the Love Maps and Open-Ended Questions decks to get started: Gottman Card Decks on Apple Store.
• Create a Culture of Appreciation: Notice and name the things you appreciate about your partner. Be specific. Instead of saying, “You’re helpful,” say, “I really appreciated you doing the dishes last night after I had a long day.”
• Turn Toward, Not Away: In small everyday moments—like when your partner wants to show you a doodle or snuggle on the couch—lean in. These tiny interactions build connection and trust over time. They are emotional deposits that pay off during harder seasons.

Final Thoughts

We all want deeper friendship in our romantic relationships—but sometimes we just don’t know where to begin. It’s important to remember that many fights stem from a desire to feel closer and more connected. When we prioritize friendship, we create a relationship that’s resilient, fulfilling, and full of joy.

For those interested in diving deeper, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is an excellent place to start.

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