By: Lana Wimmer | Oct 18, 2022 | Emotional Wellness

Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids (Instead of Just Chasing Happiness)

What do you want most for your kids? The answer most parents give is simple: I just want them to be happy. It sounds ideal—but the reality is, happiness is fleeting. Kids can be thrilled one moment and frustrated the next when dinner isn’t what they wanted or screen time is over.

The truth is: parents aren’t always the source of happiness. And that’s okay.

But what if there’s a better goal than happiness? One that builds long-term well-being, stronger relationships, academic success, empathy, resilience, and even physical health?

That goal is emotional intelligence, and the most effective way to nurture it in your children is through a strategy called Emotion Coaching.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters More Than Just “Being Happy”

Happiness is a mood. Emotional intelligence is a life skill.

According to Dr. John Gottman, emotional awareness and the ability to manage feelings is a stronger predictor of success than IQ. Neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel adds that trying to protect kids from emotional pain isn’t always helpful—what actually helps them grow is learning to process their emotions and integrate their experiences in healthy ways.

This is where emotion coaching comes in.

The 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching

Emotion Coaching is a 5-step process that helps children develop a strong emotional foundation. It’s simple—but powerful.

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions.
Start noticing low-intensity emotions early—before they escalate.
Example: “You look a little sad.” or “You seem frustrated right now.”

2. Recognize emotional moments as opportunities to connect.
Instead of reacting with frustration, use emotion as a chance to build connection and trust.
Example: “Want to go for a walk and talk about it?”

3. Listen with empathy and validate their feelings.
All emotions are valid—even if certain behaviors aren’t. Avoid judgment or minimizing their experience.
Example: “That sounds so tough. I’d be upset too.”

4. Help them label what they’re feeling.
Use emotion words to expand their emotional vocabulary and self-awareness.
Example: “Do you think you’re feeling left out?” or “Maybe you’re feeling nervous too?”

5. Set limits while helping them problem-solve.
Even when emotions run high, boundaries are essential. Encourage your child to think through consequences.
Example: “I know you’re mad, but hitting isn’t okay. What else can you do when you feel like this?”

Why This Works (Even When It Feels Hard)

Children’s brains are still developing. Their prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for logical thinking—isn’t fully online. They rely more heavily on their emotional brain, which means they may feel intensely and react impulsively. Your job isn’t to control their emotions—it’s to coach them through them.

This means staying calm, asking open-ended questions like “What’s the hardest part of this?” and truly listening without trying to fix things too fast.

The more your child feels heard, the more their brain relaxes—and the more capable they become of generating their own solutions.

A Better Goal Than Happiness

Emotion Coaching builds children who are:

• More resilient
• Better problem-solvers
• Stronger communicators
• Empathetic friends
• Emotionally secure

Rather than trying to keep kids happy all the time, help them understand and manage their emotions—because life isn’t always happy, but emotional intelligence helps them navigate whatever comes.

If you want to learn more, check out John Gottman’s “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” or work with a therapist trained in Emotion Coaching.

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