By: Lana Wimmer | Apr 3, 2023 | Relationships and Mental Health

Feeling Rejected by Your Partner or Stuck in Blame?

When you and your partner keep having the same argument and it never seems to resolve, you may be experiencing what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls “gridlock.” According to his research, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual—they’re not problems to solve, but differences to manage.

5 Signs You’re Experiencing Gridlock:

1. Neither of you is willing to budge
2. You feel emotionally rejected
3. Your conversations lack affection and humor
4. You begin to vilify each other
5. You eventually shut down and disengage

These ongoing conflicts often stem from core differences in personality or lifestyle—like one partner needing a tidy space while the other is more laid-back about clutter.

From Conflict to Connection:

The key isn’t solving the problem, but talking about what it means to you. Here’s how to start shifting out of blame and into understanding:

Ask each other:

• What’s important to you about this?
• What’s your dream or ideal here?
• Does this connect to something from your childhood or past?
• What do you need from me right now?

These questions get to the heart of the issue—and away from the blame game.

Why This Works:

When you tap into the deeper values and emotions behind a disagreement, it opens the door to empathy and connection. Rather than focusing on who's "right," you begin to see your partner's humanity. Gottman found that couples who learn to talk about their dreams—and honor them—build long-lasting emotional intimacy.

Moving Forward:

• Learn to recognize when you're stuck in gridlock
• Practice emotional attunement with your partner
• Shift focus from blame to curiosity
• Share your values, dreams, and fears openly
• Consider couples therapy for guided support

Behind every unsolvable argument is often a dream waiting to be heard. When you listen deeply and speak vulnerably, your relationship can shift from conflict to connection.

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