by Lana Wimmer | Sep 5, 2023 | Relationships and Mental Health
Many couples want to have a better relationship but they don’t know where to start. They want to feel love and mutual trust but are unsure about how to build it. The first step begins with making time for the relationship. This may sound too simplistic, but the majority of couples I see in my practice don’t make time for one another a priority, which means they’re not expressing appreciation or working on the friendship–and that spells problems. If couples are not consistently building their friendship it’s easy to let little things develop into bigger things until soon misunderstandings arise. At that point, if not repaired, there will be a breakdown in trust. It’s a cycle that can start to reinforce the false belief that your partner just doesn’t care. And once this thought enters the mind, the gate is wide open for more negative opinions.
Research by John Gottman shows happy marriages are based on deep friendships. Couples who know each other well—likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams—and share time together, prevent the negative cycle from taking over and harming the relationship. According to Gottman studies, with just 6 hours a week couples can build a more secure and fulfilling marriage. Here’s how those 6 hours breakdown over the course of a week:
Partings: 10 minutes per week: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days
Reunions: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week: 20 minutes a day x 5 working days
Appreciation and Admiration: 35 minutes per week: 5 minutes a day x 7
Affection: 35 minutes per week: 5 minutes a day x 7
Date Night: 2 hours once a week
State of the Union Meeting: 1 hour once a week
A few hours each week can dramatically enhance the quality of a marriage. Of course, if there are deeper rifts that need repaired or struggles that can’t be worked out, couples should seek the help of a professional to assist them in reestablishing trust. And the sooner couples address serious challenges the better. But no one should overlook the simple answers either. Dr. Don Cole said, “When we know that our partner cares about us and what we are going through, it becomes easier to show that caring in return. Focus on that part of you that cares for the other and give them the chance to care for you.” Time to care may be exactly what your relationship needs to allow both of you to be more supported.